Fuckkkkkkkkkk

That will be all...

Sudden breakthrough...

As I sat down and said to myself (after having a good night) I'm going to have lunch at our beloved kimbap nara tomorrow by myself. Making it my first meal by myself... then it donned on me... 2 weeks ago after work before heading to yoga, I had a sudden lazy moment and decided I didn't want to go home and make a meal in 10 minutes and gobble it up. So i headed over to kimbap nara and ordered kimbap to stay, got my soup and kimchi and sat there for 20 minutes eating.


It was so non eventful and no feeling of nervousness rushed over me that I barely remember it until this moment... kinda of sad something I have worked towards for so long passed without a mention. But that tells me that although no milestones have passed with my moving to Korea, I have learned on some level to be by myself.

The invisible rock that didn't seem so heavy until it was lifted has been plaguing my life through my everyday decisions and controlling my activities in reflection of the fear i felt inside suddenly seems so trivial.

That is truly all...

Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead...

Why does everything seem like its falling on me, what do you do now? What do you want? What do you need? Whats your next move? Figure it out...
If I knew how to get myself out of this situation I would have not allowed the journey down this road to happen. If I was able to make black and white decisions when it comes to love I would be inhuman. Not everything is 1+1=2 not everything can be reasoned and logically worked out. Sometimes you just don't know
I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW
Everything else is trivial at this point... I just want to feel without hurting...
please if it can be fix.. fix me, take it all away and let me smile without wanting to put forth a strong front and just let me cry without trying to stop myself...
feeling on the brink of destruction and the target is me... I've always shown myself to be resilient, committed, and loving. I'm tired of being that person, someone come and be my rock. I need a rock so I can just stop...

lead me through this darkness, give me strength, give me hope...

Maisan Road Trip

Maisan Temple in Jinan South Korea

Laying down by the stream

Quality alone time =D

Maisan Temple's Mountains (from left to right "Peanut and Boob") Lol

<3

Old Memories...

Staying in tonight trying to make some progress in spiffying up the apartment and doing some good gourmet cooking lol

These two popped up on my itunes (my memory is still good with the britney songs lol)

"From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart"

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?

And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow

[CHORUS:]
From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart

"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about

But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end

[Repeat CHORUS]

You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here

[Repeat CHORUS]

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Title: Eminem - Stan lyrics Chorus: Dido My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I.. got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window.. and I can't see at all And even if I could it'd all be gray, but your picture on my wall It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.. 1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background 2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise [Eminem as 'Stan'] Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got him There probably was a problem at the post office or something Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot him but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter? My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her? I'ma name her Bonnie I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan I even got the underground shit that you did with Skam I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man I like the shit you did with Ruckus too, that shit was phat Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan This is Stan {Chorus: Dido [Eminem as 'Stan'] Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew That's my little brother man, he's only six years old We waited in the blistering cold for you, four hours and you just said, "No." That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fucking idol He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way I never knew my father neither; he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her I can relate to what you're saying in your songs so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7 But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose Sincerely yours, Stan -- P.S. We should be together too {Chorus: Dido [Eminem as 'Stan'] Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans, this'll be the last package I ever send your ass It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it? I know you got my last two letters; I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive? You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him? That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me See Slim; {*screaming* Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk! Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out? {Chorus: Dido [Eminem] Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she? Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that and here's an autograph for your brother, I wrote it on the Starter cap I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you But what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too? I say that shit just clowning dog, c'mon - how fucked up is you? You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some And what's this shit about us meant to be together? That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other I really think you and your girlfriend need each other or maybe you just need to treat her better I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan I just don't want you to do some crazy shit I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to Come to think about, his name was.. it was you Damn!

Japan and more adventures to come...

Back from Japan for about a week now and it seemed like a long time ago.
First Tokyo was awesome, I loved the buildings, the culture, the food and especially the subway lol very efficient compared to Gwangju's `1 line. It was an extra plus that many things were posted in English and I can read Chinese. A few highlights:

Tokyo Metropolitan Government building
- One of the most amazing views I've seen, you feel small when you're up there and really looking at the big picture
- I would say it was my second favorite sites

Meiji Shrine
-Was my favorite site from the trip, I loved the nature, the culture and customs (we got to see a wedding party). There were so many traditions reflecting the Chinese culture that it was nostalgic being there during the "Lunar Moon Festival" I normally would spend with my family.

Imperial Palace
-Was also filled with great trails to walk (more shaped by man though which was a little disappointing) Some of the ancient ruins were filled in with land but the basic idea was still there.

Harajuku
-The one main street I walked down was filled with girls filling the reputation of harajuku girls, loved the outfits and make up.

Tokyo Tower
-Was great and exciting but because we have the CN Tower back home it was a little less exciting. Also we saw it during the day but I'm sure at night it would be as amazing as the Tokyo Met

Akihabara
Brought out my childhood in me... This area is where anime, cartoons, fantasy, games and anything to do with comic books lives. It made me want to know who all the characters are and feel the way I did when I used to record Sailor Moon on vhs and rewatch episodes a million times! Picked up a few special items here :D

Shinjuku
This is where we decided to stay because it is suppose to be the party and transit center of Tokyo. The transit part we thoroughly enjoyed but the party part we didn't figure out until the last night when we went walking in the neighborhood. So much was missed when we went right on the subway in the morning instead of exploring. Next time I go back I want to hit this part of town, so many sushi bars and clubs missed!

Food:

Had Beef (mmmm) udon the first night which was the best udon I have ever had. Canada.Korea's don't even come close. I miss beef so much I went and bought a few slices for $9 in Korea.

Ramen was also exactly what Japan should be famous for, soft not chewy noodles. The clear hot soup was not over salted, it was perfect to warm your stomach with.

I had sashimi twice in Japan (expensive as hell) the fresh texture of the octopus, red tuna, salmon, snapper and white fish was obvious from the first bite. I didn't require soy sauce to hide the fishy taste from some of them (like Canada). Made me want to order another order right off the bat lol

We had some sort of fried balls (sorry for the description) with some very thinly shaved tuna on top with a yummy, sticky thick sauce (similar to black bean for me) on top. Think street food style- on a stick. They were really delicious and fell apart and melted in your mouth.

Loved the drinking on the streets law of Japan!

So back to reality...

Finished reading "The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo" recently which surprised me. I really enjoyed it, even the gruesome parts. I can't wait to get my hands on the film with english subtitles :D

I joined the Gwangju International Center (GIC) here for my Korean classes, which started last week and I love it so far. Since I know how to read the alphabet already I can only hope my Korean will progress faster after this class. GIC also has a pretty decent library of English books (8 bookshelves worth) which I got a few books from. I can tell with the way work is going I will be reading tons of books this year. Which is all for the better anyways, I somehow stopped doing that as much back in Canada. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Our orphanage volunteering started last week, we met up with Kang (the social worker who runs the organization) and set up a schedule of some sort and will start this Saturday with the kids. We're going to call it The Crazy Silly Club (drama club makes it nerve wracking lol) so CSC from now on. Excited and nervous about meeting the kids. I hope the language barrier wont be too great.

we'll have to see...

This weekend sounds awesome, going to Naju for a friend's (Kat) house warming. Its more country side so sounds like a nice time. I realized that Gwangju is actually really noisy with many motor bikes running around throughout the night.

Then Sunday is my first trip with Pedro Kim (Gwangju's personal tour guide for foreigners <3) we're going to visit two temples. Bringing my walking shoes and hopefully it would be an experience totally different from Japan's temples. Will post about it later. Next weekend I'm thinking about heading to Seoul (finally meeting up with Deshane) yay! Can't wait, I will always remember that I went to Tokyo before Seoul lol

I had half of my dinner tonight by myself, I'm going to take that as progress. But eventually I will feel more comfortable by myself. I've begun reading "tuesday with Morrie" again, I love that reading this book now is a totally different experience then reading it in high school or university. I have a different outlook on life and its as if this book could be related to through every stage in life. It just goes to further prove what a truly aspiring and amazing book this is.

The one thing that stood out the most was how Morrie dealt with emotions, he worked through his fear, self pity and hate by facing them and recognizing them for only that and then detaching from it. Seems so simple but not many of us do it when we are overwhelmed with the emotions... this is my new challenge. I think it will help with my paranoia and anxiety, along with Yoga I'm hoping I will be medication free soon. (Thanks to my b-i-l Phil for this wonderful inspiring gift I almost forgot existed)

Next little bit will be tough but I really hope to work through it and know myself better on the other side. Like my little calender said: with every ending is a new beginning...

The travelling begins... and other little things

SO I said last post that I joined the gym and Marisa P and I started doing hot yoga! So much fun, although I was worried about the language barrier because others have complained about not being able to follow along but it actually poses no problem except for maybe having to position ourselves to be able to view others. This is our first week and it has been good so far but I can't communicate my back issues to the instructor so she tries to help me with certain parts where I can feel my back hurting so I just lay there and wait for the next pose. But Koreans are very helpful people :D she came over and tried to do this to me:

                                                                            LOL

We are going again tomorrow night and hopefully 3-4 times a week for a little bit. We also want to do some cardio because it just doesn't feel like you have worked out without some huffing and puffing lol besides I want to get into hiking (real hiking, not walking in Canadian forests behind the community center type lol) this year and will need to get into shape for that and massive amount of stairs leading to temples :D

Kat and I officially signed up for Saturday Korean classes!!! Really excited about learning a new language and being given the opportunity to fully be immersed into it with no choice but to practice!

Oooh so we also booked for Tokyo Japan as of Tuesday, we are flying out next Friday for Chu Seouk (Korean Thanksgiving) It will be 4 days 3 nights and we are in the heart of the action: Shinjuku. I've always wanted to go to Japan and honestly never would have thought it would become true within 1 month of coming here. I'm over the moon excited and will post pics when I get back.

One of my Korean coworker's last day was today and it was sad to see her go because I felt like I connected well with her. She also helped me with my bank account and random teaching things. It was always cute to hear her say no worries in response to my millions of thank yous. I won't get into the reason she quit but it definitely makes it difficult to still respect some people at my work. I will leave it at this: It has become overtly obvious to me that Korean Labor Law and Canada's Labor Laws (which I have honestly taken for granted until now) is very different and in Korea it is hard to find compassion in normalized behaviour when it comes to treatment of "employees". May my coworker spend more amazing time with her 2 month old new born and find the right road for her and her family.

Sadly it places a dark smudge over the otherwise high respect I had towards Korean culture...