26 years young

Been 26 for three days now and I really don't know if I ever felt 25. I've always felt like I had to act older than I was and now that I'm actually 26 I want to act younger. The other side of the twenties... where people are flourishing in their careers or post grads, marriages and families.

I'm in the middle of deciding whether I should come back to Gwangju for another year in February. A few of my friends have decided to do a second year, but fortunately for them they are 22 years old. LOL I guess I started this journey a bit later than everyone else. It was getting a little tiring of constantly meeting people who just graduated at 21 years old and are just doing South Korea as a buffer between Uni and something better.

They don't warn you about this part when you sign up for the job. They tell you the great pay, pension (that I don't get lol), experiences, culture and learning opportunities. They neglect to mention that you will meet great friends and probably never see most of them again. I'm all for technology but I'm a in person friendship type of person. I have had to say goodbye to a few people so far, and I have always attached to people to easily. I still miss my co-workers from York University who I only worked with for less than 9 months.

This is the first time this year that people that were actually close have left. There aren't that many who leave before me. A few in the next two months... it really makes me sad. It makes me question whether I want to do this a second year, the same cycle. I've caught a bit of a travel bug here and I want to continue to roam and discover.

A friend recently told me about volunteering experiences in developing countries that sounds really amazing. The idea of doing this for the rest of my life is strangely alluring. Doing years of teaching English in Asia interchanged with volunteering missions.

I do miss my family and friends back home and it has been hard to keep involved in the past 9 months. Blame it on schedule or time differences or even on my need to disconnect, I'm not sure I would want to stay abroad for years. There is so much I want to do for myself, I want to become certified in Korean, I want to expand my event planning experiences, support my parents, and travel Europe. I feel like my goals and dreams have changed so much since a few years ago. If I had come to Korea fresh face it would have been a one year deal, if I had finished my Bachelors in one shot, I probably won't even be here. I would be a social worker...still on my buckets list!

After looking at my choices and dreams I do feel 26 years young, and limitless (horrible movie). Lets hope I stick to my guns and don't settle for comfort! I'm going to get so much crap for this after a few people finish reading this lol

Lyrics

"The One That Got Away"

Summer after high school when we first met

We made out in your Mustang to Radiohead

And on my 18th Birthday

We got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor

And climb to the roof

Talk about our future

Like we had a clue

Never planned that one day

I'd be losing you

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash

Never one without the other we made a pact

Sometimes when I miss you

I put those records on (Whoa)

Someone said you had your tattoo removed

Saw you downtown singing the Blues

It's time to face the music

I'm no longer your muse

But in another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away

The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]

The one that got away

[Bridge:]

All this money can't buy me a time machine (Nooooo)

Can't replace you with a million rings (Nooooo)

I should've told you what you meant to me (Whoa)

'Cause now I pay the price

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away

The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away

"Mirror"

(feat. Bruno Mars)

[Lil Wayne:]

With everything happening today

You don't know whether you're coming or going

But you think that you're on your way

Life lined up on the mirror don't blow it

Look at me when I'm talking to you

You looking at me but I'm looking through you

I see the blood in your eyes

I see the love in disguise

I see the pain hidden in your pride

I see you're not satisfied

And I don't see nobody else

I see myself I'm looking at the

[Bruno Mars:]

Mirror on the wall, here we are again

Through my rise and fall

You've been my only friend

You told me that they can understand the man I am

So why are we here talkin' to each other again?

[Lil Wayne:]

Uh, I see the truth in your lies

I see nobody by your side

But I'm with you when you are all alone

And you correct me when I'm looking wrong

I see the guilt beneath the shame

I see your soul through your window pane

I see the scars that remain

I see you Wayne, I'm looking at the...

[Bruno Mars:]

Mirror on the wall, here we are again ([Wayne:] Yeah)

Through my rise and fall ([Wayne:] Uh-Huh)

You've been my only friend ([Wayne:] my only friend)

You told me that they can understand the man I am ([Wayne:] they can understand)

So why are we here ([Wayne:] misunderstood) talkin' to each other again?

[Lil Wayne:]

Looking at me now I can see my past

Damn I look just like my fucking dad

Light it up, that's smoke in mirrors

I ain't even look good in the broken mirror

I see my momma smile that's a blessing

I see the change, I see the message

And no message could've been any clearer

So I'm startin' with the man in the...

[Bruno Mars:]

Mirror on the wall,

[Lil Wayne:]

MJ taught me that.

[Bruno Mars:]

Here we are again

Through my rise and fall

You've been my only friend

[Lil Wayne:]

Take 'em to Mars man

[Bruno Mars:]

You told me that they can understand the man I am

So why are we talkin' to each other again?

[Lil Wayne:]

Uh...

Mirror on the wall, here we are again ([Wayne:] yeah)

Through my rise and fall

You've been my only friend ([Wayne:] Any questions?)

You told me that they can ([Wayne:] I come to you) understand the man I am ([Wayne:] You always have the answer)

So why are we here talkin' to each other again?

[Bruno Mars:]

Mirror on the wall.

[Wayne:]

Ay, B.P.

Looks like I did take 'em to Mars this time

[Bruno Mars:]

(So why are we talking to each other again?)

Weirdest Dream...

Had a dream last night where my father and mother were separated...by divorce.

My mom, brother (Raymond), and I are living in San Francisco with my grandmother. Guess my father got my sister and other brother (Jason).

Ray has become mentally unstable because of the lost of his good friend (Cathy- knock on wood) and lives offon his own somewhere. My mother is living with my grandma at what should be her old age home but resembles a homeless shelter. Bunk beds on the street??? Literally only bunk beds of the street, 3 stacked on top of each other.

I don't see this, but I know my father is well off, wherever he is.

There's a lot of hardship for my mom, who is trying to get past the divorce and poverty. Through out the dream you can see her rebuilding herself, slowly. My grandmother, in reality who is the dependent one because of health issues, is suddenly so strong, both emotionally and physically.

Eventually, my brother makes his way back around again. He is happy, healthy and suddenly really mature. He picks up helping my mom and grandma move out of the shelter.

There's this one scene that stands out for me, there's this dangerous strip of neighborhood that I keep having to walk through. I would walk through it again and again through out the dream, waiting for something to happen. But, nothing does. Literally you past this one store and it's safe again.

Suggestions on what this dream may be about?

Quote of the decade...

I want to be a leaning edge for you, an encouraging word for you... not the high expectation you're afraid to fail

Another Chapter Closed in my Life...

As a lot of you know, I've been struggling with a law case over the last 4 years. It has been haunting me and constantly bringing me down, but as of this week it will be over. It feels weird now that it is finally over. I only want to continue my goal to remove myself off the medication, then I can try and fully forget about it.

Hope for the best...

Tomorrow...

There's nothing profound about the realization that you should cherish every day like its your last, scratch that, make it every second. But, the reality is, most of us don't. We let ourselves get worked up over petty things that won't matter a year or even a month from now.

"My coworker didn't tell me this, or gave me this late. I missed the bus. My mom complaining about my uncle. People who won't be in your life in a year from now, are annoying you. People who will be in your life a year from now, are annoying you!"

None of this will matter anymore... but yet I waste my time, frustration and energy on it. When will we learn? When will I learn?

Just finished watching Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, (good movie, recommended) and right after I finished it, I called my Dad for the maybe 6th time, since I came to Korea 7 months ago. He's with a client and didn't ick up, so I did the next best thing. I called my brother and told him to say hi to my dad. I actually LOLed when I hung up.

It was in 2005 that I finally watched something related to 911 post "the worst day". It was during a mandatory training to start my job as a security officer at Toronto's Pearson Airport. I don't think I wanted to believe that people were capable of doing such senseless yet destructive things to each other. I wanted to continue living the material, self involved, and complicated for no reason life, any freshman University student was living. As I watched what I thought were part of the building breaking apart, I tried not to think about what I was actually watching. It was when I realized that it wasn't cement pieces, rather people I was watching jump from the windows, that it hit me how close to home this was. As I think about it now, it still sends a shiver down my back.

I am now in Korea 7 years later, better educated on the capabilities of our so called society, and yet still living in this self involved, half aware state. I have beliefs I strongly hold when it comes to being a bad person and who I am. As many times, that there might have been hesitation to what that actually means, I can still live with myself. I hope everyone in my life knows how much I love them and cherish them. I'd hate for them to realize it only through a blog from thousand of miles away. Well if you don't, you do now! Same mantra from grade 9 with a  slight change: (try to) Live life, no regrets!

Now if only I can start to call my parents more often...

Acceptance

Sunset at Ggotji Beach, Anmyeon Do, South Korea

Had a fantastic weekend getaway to Anmyeon Island, filled with unlimited natural beauty to indulge in.

Last week was a hard week, a lot of different emotions were experienced and none were good ones. 

It is hard to accept that people whom have made a great impact in your life, won't remain with you forever. 

It is not death by which separation occurs but by irreconcilable differences...

It hurts me deeply to lose someone who has really helped me in greater ways than they can ever believe.

I was angry and felt betrayed at first, I had let my guards down and trusted promised words.

But now, I realized that some people aren't meant to walk the entire journey with you, but they will change it.

I am forever grateful to have met you, known you and for you.   

It ends here.

*For more pictures from this weekend, go here: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150606042379081.395809.502604080&type=1