"Cinderella are you really that happy?
Cinderella are you really that lucky?
I wanna know if your life's like you dreamed."
I have always spoken out against the messages set out in Disney stories that make women or children believe about Prince Charmings out in the world saving the damsels in distress. But, I did believe that, I believed that I was the Cinderella with a tougher exterior and harder happy ending to obtain. I fought and I fought for my happy ending because I thought that it will eventually be just that. How wrong was I... (not necessarily a bad thing)
Growing up with my family and the complexes within were frustrating and this is not saying I don't love my family for all our goods and bad. But, I have always over compensated with my friends and family so I would prove myself worthy. I never gave up because I am fiercely loyal and don't believe that things won't work out if I put everything I have into it.
Put my complex and me being a hopeless romantic together and it clarifies the last 10 years of my life. I loved my ex-husband, with a push of emotional so strong I would have done anything for him. I love the only way I feel I can love... without limits. I didn't know when to walk away and stop the pain for both of us. So I ran to chase my dream in name, but really to make a decision I couldn't make because I wasn't strong enough to...
Coming to Korea as a result of this running has changed my life. When I arrived here, I was 25 years old and felt like I was a grandmother... wise and experienced. It was the opposite...
I was insecure, emotionally unstable, broken and lost...
It has been almost two years since I stoically stepped out of the Korean airport and followed my instructions to my new home. I didn't let myself miss my family for one full year because I wouldn't be able to take it. I met people and kept myself to a small group of people for the first 6 months. During those 6 months I made a lot of unhealthy decisions, things that I will look back on a feel shameful but I don't regret that time because it was the low before my high...
My ex-husband and I are now cordial with each other and I do hope one day we will be able to freely care for each other as friends. The idea of choosing not to care for this man after loving him for so long and knowing him so well doesn't make sense to me. That is a work in progress.
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
In the past two years I have took a lot of time to myself, although most of my time is spent cramming appointments and hang outs with my friends here, I have done a lot of reflecting and challenging with myself. I did things that were outside of my comfort zone and got passed them whether successfully or embarrassingly.
I remember one of my first obstacles in Korea was eating by myself in a restaurant... because of being bullied in middle school I have always felt uncomfortable when I feel like I stand out. Now everyday I don't have time to cook or my work out is longer than normal, I go to Han Sot (Korean lunch box/ fast food) and order something with brown rice. I sit there with my ebook (phones and ebooks are still my defense mechanisms) and hang out without thinking twice about it. It hasn't even crossed my mind to hesitate.
I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. One of my good friends and I had a conversation where he feels like the people I gravitated towards, were the kind that needed guidance and therefore less likely to leave me. It hit like a stone when he said this. I have always had problems believing when my ex husband or good friends tell me I'm a good person or any compliments. Finally after a lot of self searching (cliche sounding... I know) and redefining myself I am okay with myself. I take it in when people take a moment out of their day to tell me they appreciate me or think I'm cool. It feels great to not doubt myself... I have always been good at reading people and I should trust my instincts.
One of my good friends commented that he feels like I have been more selective with my friends as of late. I realized that I have because I no longer feel the need to please everyone... My friends are amazing people and make me want to do amazing things.
Honestly... it feels good to believe that someone cares about me just because I'm me and not because of what I have to offer. Maybe a bit too honest lol
I am okay... I am divorced and I am truly okay. I am me.
